It's been two months since my last post.
I left off not knowing what was gonna happen next on my one-month trip to the Philippines. I was in the midst of a travel frenzy. Back to back trips from Taiwan to Japan to Indonesia to Korea.
My friends thought it was cool. But I was just running from a void left from quitting my job and my relationship. I had a windfall of savings thanks to my grandma's estate. Everyone's dream. An inheritance to go travel the world! Well it took me a few months to even realize that. I was too down and focused on what was right in front of me to step back and see how lucky I was. I wasn't seizing the time while I had it. I was too anxious not knowing what was next in terms of work. Do I stay in Taiwan? Do I move? Am I gonna teach? I didn't have to work so quickly, but I was too stressed to enjoy the time off. I was without purpose or direction.
Once I got traveling again, I was renewed. I was reminded of at least a few pieces of what I was. I was finally taking the time to explore and enjoy the world. I went scuba diving. I met fellow travelers. I connected with locals. I went surfing. I tried different foods and just began living life in the moment. It was great. I was able to say yes to a few last-minute trips, the best of which were the ones with friends. It's truly better together, sharing the moments.
Once I got to the Philippines, it hit me. I was running. Traveling gave me the sense of purpose I was missing. But it wasn't my purpose. I wasn't giving anything. I was selfish. I was consuming. I wasn't producing value or contributing to society whatsoever. I felt worthless.
Some could say I wasted my time. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. I now would never wish that on anybody, to suddenly receive enough money to not work and just waste your time away. Maybe a couple months. Maybe some solid iteneraries and travels with a goal in mind. But even then that's just filling. No longer working, no longer in the routine of home, out of things to fill my time with and just getting tired of the running around. All that was left was that emptiness that I had managed to distract myself from for several months.
But am I the crazy one? You're probably reading this thinking, look at this asshole, how lucky he is to have 7 months to do whatever he wants, traveling the world and just enjoying life, and here he is saying he's unhappy. And complaining?
That's why I feel so dumb.
But take me as an example. More money, more time - it's not gonna make you happy. It's a lie we tell ourselves. It doesn't work. Trust me, I know!
Maybe this void I have is something made up. But there's something real that I'm feeling. Lack of purpose, feeling useless.
Traveling gave me purpose, until it didn't.
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Enjoy!