There’s not much time left.
Like the pages in this notebook.
I may die with all these pages closed up on the shelf.
Nothing to show.
To whom?
I know, and the Lord knows all.
All glory be to Him in the highest.
I’m a clumsy truth seeker.
At least I know what I’m after.
These can be hobbies: the Great Books, Japanese, working out.
But my work may be different.
I must discover a way to serve the best I can.
Help me, God.
I now see how I fear what other people think,
or what I think they may think if I do something.
But they’re not thinking.
They’re not even looking.
They don’t care, and they won’t.
Not forever.
So there goes that excuse.
I must be me to the fullest.
I can turn down my lust, and sacrifice distractions,
and work and focus on my thing.
I will go to Osaka. I will learn Japanese.
I will start my own business - it’s the only way.
I will have to give up drinking,
and get good sleep.
I can’t let an old friend’s teasing hold my goals in life away from me.
Do they have the power over me?
I also think I’m not worthy, or I don’t deserve.
What if that’s true?
Then what.
I can still take action.
And I know how to be consistent.
I like it, adding another, single point.
Day by day. It’s my RPG.
I have to be bolder.
Yes, I have evidence thus far.
Good friends may help me see that.
But I will know.
I have work ethic. I’m creative.
I’m smart. Driven. Ambitious.
I’m learning Japanese, which is hard.
And I can.
The challenge is yummy.
I can’t compare myself to others,
because I’m so different.
Let God be my judge.
And everyone else may watch from a distance.
But they won’t.
They’re worried about their own lives.
No one is watching me.
So what do I have to lose?
I’ve never been so free.
I have no job, no girlfriend,
no mortgage or kids or pets or car
or possessions.
I’m healthy and cognizant.
I have no one with power over me.
Just a slave to my passions.
I can leave. I can stay.
I could go anywhere.
And it doesn’t even matter.
I could spend the rest of my money and be stuck on the apartment floor in some country.
And I’d be fine.
In fact it would be a great story.
So now, where is the hesitation?
All that’s left is action.
The fear is fallacious. Irrational.
Brought to light, it’s ridiculous.
There are no more reasons to stay still.
Unless I like this. But I don’t.
I’m without purpose.
Some direction, but it’s almost like a circle.
Just spinning me around,
or a fly hopping to other things and back.
I feel worthless, selfish,
and contributing nothing to this world I’ve entered - a gift I’ve wasted,
at least not destroyed.
All that’s left is for me to get up and start working.
Moving with a purpose.
Otherwise, continue like this.
Stagnant. Older. Lost in time.
And how much of that is left?
I may not be given more pages.
To go back to the blog click here
To go back to the main page click here
Enjoy!